let go or be dragged.

It seems like such a simple concept, doesn't it?  If something is bothering you, ust stop thinking about it. Don't worry about it.  Don't dwell on it.  I use to (and still do) give people the dirtiest looks who offer this advice.  "Don't you think I would if I could?" was always my automated response.  But, it took a very dedicated and kind college counselor to open my eyes.

It was a stressful week of finals and planning my class schedule for the next semester.  The offices of USC were buzzing with students trying to get advice and clearance for classes, and I of course was one of them.  After being sent to many different offices to get clearance for a special law class that I needed to take and walking in circles for hours to offices who all didn't know what to do, at my last destination, I had finally lost it.

See, this was merely the straw that broke the camel's back.  I was going through my first deployment with a past relationship that was terrifying enough by itself along; but this was coupled with terminal illness diagnoses for two family members, topped off with the stress of finals and trying to pull my grades up.

At that point in my life, I had no answers. To anything.  Whether it had to do with my love life, death, life or school.  Every day I was tormented with agonizing thoughts of whether or not my fiance would make it home alive.  I was sick to my stomach 24/7 and never went a day without crying.  At the time, I felt like he was my biggest support system and it was so painful to deal with death staring at two of your loved ones with your heart on the other side of the world, only to realize that death was watching him from a comfortable distance as well.

Needless to say, my grades slipped.  My life was basically on hold.  I of course got the advice from others to "not worry about it" because it was out of my control, and this did nothing but infuriate me.  I didn't want my life to be on hold, I didn't want to lose loved ones, I didn't want to be sick to my stomach everyday, but I didn't know how to make it stop. I had no notes on how to handle these things because this was my first meeting with this type of thing.

I broke down in the office of some random lady-who I still have no idea of her name to this day; she  grabbed my hand and led me to one of the chairs in her office and sat me down.  I looked at her with tears falling and said, "I just want some damn answers! Tell me how to get this class cleared". Being the wise woman she was, she knew that I wasn't actually that upset about a class clearance.  And all it took was her to ask me, "what's really going on?" for it to all flood out. And what she said after I was done regurgitating my sadness will certainly stick with me for the rest of my life. With the slightest smile, she said:

"Honey, is what you're doing right now working?"

I just looked at her. To be honest I wanted to slap her at first. Obviously not, lady.  But she said even more calmly than the first time:

"Kelsey, is what you're doing right now working?"

Maybe it was the way she said it that made something click within me.  My tears immediately stopped and I finally understood the message she was trying to convey to me:

Let go or be dragged.

Sitting in my own self-pity and sorrow everyday was getting me no where but miserable and poor grades.  She didn't tell me not to worry about it. She didn't say to not think about it.  She made me aware that there are always choices in life.  If what I was doing wasn't working, then I damn well better make sure I find something that does, if I didn't want to be dragged. I had to let go of the fear if I didn't want to be dragged.  I could let the fear consume and drag me through my life, or I could take a step back and decide that that wasn't the path I was going to take anymore.

So, I spread the message on to you: let go or be dragged.  There are always choices you can make in life in regards to your happiness.

A Comfortable Balance: Life lessons from a 21-year-old.

In one month, I will walk across the stage and receive my college degrees.  As I receive my degrees and give a thankful wave to my parents, I'm sure I'll have a tear or two streaming down my cheeks. This was by far one of the most difficult chapters of my life, and I know it is for a lot of us.  Sure, my professors and the load they gave was rough at times, but it was my other teacher that tested me most. You know, that teacher that gives us the tests first, and the lessons after? That's right, life.  Oh, she can be a bitch, can't she?

It is of course normal for me to have a strong sense of reflection as the nearing of yet another chapter ends in my book.  But, I think the main reason I decided to start this blog now was to, well, share some of the many life lessons I've learned the last few years of my life.  Maybe it can help others, maybe I'll save it to show my kids some day, or who knows, maybe this is all just a therapeutic kind of release for me to share and relate.   If you told me four years ago the things and problems I would run into the next four years of my life, I would've had a great laugh and said, "no fucking way, not me".

That being said, I would argue any day that graduating college is a million times more frightening than graduating high school.  Sure, many of us had no idea what the hell we would do once we graduated high school and we had the typical fears of losing friends to long distances and busy schedules, but, it's the lessons you learn after high school that make graduating college that much scarier.  Little did I know, once I left the field of Vet's Stadium in Long Beach, my life would never be the same.  Life would take all kinds of turns and corkscrews and bumps and any other shitty movement on a roller coaster you can think of.

But I had no concept of this upcoming journey. Nothing "scary" had happened in my life yet, so I entered my adult world eager and bright-eyed.  I was innocent in my thinking that if I made a solid plan and didn't stray far from the tracks, life would be pretty easy; just like it had been up to that point.  I guess the point I'm trying to make here is that the big, nasty bitch we call life loves to break those rosy-colored lenses we look through, as soon as we leave the comforts of our high school walls.

Through the stuggles, pain, and grief that occurred, came many wonderful and beautiful things as well. Things that made me love life more and more everyday. Things that helped me learn a little quicker. Things that helped me be a little stronger.

Of these things, I am most grateful for learning that mistakes are not synonymous with failure. Mistakes are lessons, and it is a very vital salient developmental task to go through the motions of life: failure, love, friendship, responsibility, death, success, etc.  Thus, where the title of this blog stems from. That it's okay to slow down during the good times and the bad. If you need some time to get your bearings back, that's okay. It doesn't mean you're a failure.  It means you're learning. That it's okay to grab a new pair of lenses along the way, not quite rosy, not quite black. A comfortable balance.  It's all about that comfortable balance.

Life doesn't come with a how-to manual, so I guess this is my own version of that.  Of course I don't know nearly enough about life yet to offer advice on everything, but I can show you some of the ropes I've learned along my journey thus far.

So, welcome. To life lessons from a 21-year-old.