let go or be dragged.

It seems like such a simple concept, doesn't it?  If something is bothering you, ust stop thinking about it. Don't worry about it.  Don't dwell on it.  I use to (and still do) give people the dirtiest looks who offer this advice.  "Don't you think I would if I could?" was always my automated response.  But, it took a very dedicated and kind college counselor to open my eyes.

It was a stressful week of finals and planning my class schedule for the next semester.  The offices of USC were buzzing with students trying to get advice and clearance for classes, and I of course was one of them.  After being sent to many different offices to get clearance for a special law class that I needed to take and walking in circles for hours to offices who all didn't know what to do, at my last destination, I had finally lost it.

See, this was merely the straw that broke the camel's back.  I was going through my first deployment with a past relationship that was terrifying enough by itself along; but this was coupled with terminal illness diagnoses for two family members, topped off with the stress of finals and trying to pull my grades up.

At that point in my life, I had no answers. To anything.  Whether it had to do with my love life, death, life or school.  Every day I was tormented with agonizing thoughts of whether or not my fiance would make it home alive.  I was sick to my stomach 24/7 and never went a day without crying.  At the time, I felt like he was my biggest support system and it was so painful to deal with death staring at two of your loved ones with your heart on the other side of the world, only to realize that death was watching him from a comfortable distance as well.

Needless to say, my grades slipped.  My life was basically on hold.  I of course got the advice from others to "not worry about it" because it was out of my control, and this did nothing but infuriate me.  I didn't want my life to be on hold, I didn't want to lose loved ones, I didn't want to be sick to my stomach everyday, but I didn't know how to make it stop. I had no notes on how to handle these things because this was my first meeting with this type of thing.

I broke down in the office of some random lady-who I still have no idea of her name to this day; she  grabbed my hand and led me to one of the chairs in her office and sat me down.  I looked at her with tears falling and said, "I just want some damn answers! Tell me how to get this class cleared". Being the wise woman she was, she knew that I wasn't actually that upset about a class clearance.  And all it took was her to ask me, "what's really going on?" for it to all flood out. And what she said after I was done regurgitating my sadness will certainly stick with me for the rest of my life. With the slightest smile, she said:

"Honey, is what you're doing right now working?"

I just looked at her. To be honest I wanted to slap her at first. Obviously not, lady.  But she said even more calmly than the first time:

"Kelsey, is what you're doing right now working?"

Maybe it was the way she said it that made something click within me.  My tears immediately stopped and I finally understood the message she was trying to convey to me:

Let go or be dragged.

Sitting in my own self-pity and sorrow everyday was getting me no where but miserable and poor grades.  She didn't tell me not to worry about it. She didn't say to not think about it.  She made me aware that there are always choices in life.  If what I was doing wasn't working, then I damn well better make sure I find something that does, if I didn't want to be dragged. I had to let go of the fear if I didn't want to be dragged.  I could let the fear consume and drag me through my life, or I could take a step back and decide that that wasn't the path I was going to take anymore.

So, I spread the message on to you: let go or be dragged.  There are always choices you can make in life in regards to your happiness.